Monkey Bidding

Q: Dear Doug, how do you get a monkey to do your bidding... you know, like Tarzan or The Wicked Witch did?

A: This is a complicated question, and your examples have very different answers. Tarzan gained his dominance over monkey-kind from his upbringing as an ape. The apes taught him the language of the jungle, and their natural superiority over monkeys (Burroughs was obviously an unrepentant 19th century apist) gave him the right to order monkeys about. The Wicked Witch obviously used some other means, since she always seemed to address the (creepy, terrifying) winged monkeys in plain English. My guess is that she had conquered the Monkeys' territory, and thus became their ruler (as in the case of the Winkies).

It is not clear to me that modern monkeys would recognize the rule of apes (if you could pass yourself off as one), so following Tarzan's route to power could be problematic. And it is demonstrably true that merely having political control over a monkey-infested region is not enough to prevent them throwing you off of balconies to your death.

That being said, only three reasonable options seem open to you;

1. Develop mind-control technology for humans (or apes) and retro-fit it for monkeys (or use mind-control on the apes, and see if they can whip the monkeys into an army for you).

2. Lure them with bananas and persuade them to do your bidding with reasoned arguments.

3. Pretend that what they are currently doing is what you would have commanded them to do anyway.

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