Conspiracy Theory

Q: Dear DougO, what really happened in Roswell in 1947?

A: What, you don't believe your own government?

To recap the story, aliens supposedly crash-landed in the desert outside of Roswell, New Mexico, and the chunks of their flying saucer as well as their icky, unearthly bodies were recovered and secreted away by the US Air Force. Subsequent clumsy lies about it later from military officials, coupled with a stubborn reluctance to release the facts to the public, fueled belief in this version of events. The government has since released what documents they still had on the event (crappy as they are), but speculation still rolls on, if at a somewhat less than fever pitch. Oddly enough, some UFO nuts denounce the whole thing as a hoax, feeling that other UFO nuts who keep pressing the issue are making them look bad. The government shrugs its shoulders irritably and the Aliens seem to be unaware of the controversy altogether.

Seeing as how there are many, many websites that chew endlessly over the facts and implications of the Roswell crash, I feel comfortable operating in my usual mode - glib personal opinion. Here are my thoughts:

Were there aliens in the crash? Geez, I sure hope so. Speaking as an inhabitant of The Future, in a time where we have Star Trek communicators that can talk to anyone, anywhere, we have potatoes that grow plastic, and scientists have built an interface that lets monkeys control a computer with their brain waves, I have to ask, "Where are my flying cars?"

Aliens could build flying cars, I bet. And they could make them with good gas mileage. Considering the nearest planets that could conceivably support life are something like 100,000 light years away, their rides must be not only fast but sip fuel. Take that, Japanese car makers! Oh - and I want my own personal robot companion. Yes, I know that it will eventually turn against the human race and try to destroy us, but that may not be in my lifetime.

Assuming that the aliens aren't all dead (some say they've been caught wandering around in these blurry videos), I have have a long shopping list of future stuff I'd like to see. And I'd be willing to trade nice Earth stuff for it, too - hot dogs, native flora, glass beads, chia pets, old Kansas 8-track tapes, my brother's BMW,... I'm in a bargaining mood. But the reality may be that we need protection. Did I mention monkeys were taking over computers with mind control? Best deal with the problems of our day before spending all of our chits on getting my Corolla in the air.

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